Being Ridiculous
by sheneverupdates
Summary: Where Shingen is caught red-handed with a body in his suitcase, Roppi and Tsuki wander Ikebukuro unsupervised, and it takes Shizuo a little too long to realize he's not looking at a mirror. This story is a series of side stories, removed scenes, or "bloopers" I wrote à la writer's block based off of the motherfic 'Being Human'.
1. Why Is There A Body In Your Suitcase?

**Just a note that this story is a series of drabbles that more like spin off parodies of the parent story "Being Human". While it isn't entirely necessary to read the main story, this story's universe is based off of that one, so if you find yourself with lots of questions after reading, you can always find Being Human in my profile.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara…yet. I'm still working on buying off the rights from the original author.**

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'_Ahh, this is a problem_'

A few punks had him surrounded, verbally taunting his getup and mask. They left no hole in their formation, not one possible escape route thanks to the pillar his back was pressed against.

'_Tch, kids these days. No respect for their elders._'

Hardly fifteen minutes waiting in the square, and Shingen was already being badgered by a bunch of rough looking thugs, the harsh smell of alcohol laced in their breath. He was glad his mask blocked out most of the stench, it must be unbearable otherwise. He wasn't sure how long he could handle these hooligans invading his personal space.

Where was Celty? Surely she would swoop in at any moment and save him from these ruffians, right?

Almost on cue, he heard a telltale sound of a horse's neigh not too far from where they were.

Shingen smiled secretively beneath his mask, unbeknownst to his tormenters. Now that help was on the way, he could take this chance to strike back.

Shingen chuckled darkly, "The air in Tokyo is filthy, don't you agree? But I guess you're fine since you have your filthy faces to protect you from this filthy air."

"Hah? What the hell's up with this guy… Hey boys, I think we got a cracked one."

The chubbier lackey laughed along with his leader and emptied his beverage over Shingen's head. All three began sniggering.

"Heh, looks like you don't know just how terrifying adults can be…little brats like you should be prepared for the consequences when you challenge someone superior to yourself" he said clenching his fists in a bluff.

"Huh? What was that?"

Without a warning, the thug roughly kicked his suitcase, sending it toppling over. "Who are you calling a brat? I'm already in my 20's, you old man!"

This is when Shingen dropped his feigned composure. "GWAHHH! NO! Not my luggage!"

He lunged after his suitcase, determined to protect it from the vindictive youths.

In any other case, he would have ignored the fact that his luggage was harmed, especially after he spouted some pretty bold words.

But it just so happens that Shingen had a secret.

It was something he's been hiding from all his coworkers and superiors, something he couldn't leave behind in America in fear that it would be discovered or stolen; an experiment. An experiment that he's been working on for years, and managed to complete a few months ago. An experiment that he smuggled to Japan in that vey suitcase.

And he called this experiment Hachimenroppi.

Human cloning was a delicate art, as Shingen came to realize over the years, but it was an art that he managed to master. He had successfully cloned a fully functional, twenty year old male. Scientists across the globe would have a field day if they found out what he had accomplished. Shingen wasn't keen on sharing his ground-breaking experiment with the world for he knew it would only be exploited and used for means that he did not create Roppi for. Which is why he had to hide Roppi and his identity from the public.

Now these youngsters were far from the great minded scientists he was hiding his work from, but these boys and the many other people in the square might get the wrong idea if they saw he had a body in his luggage.

The large white suitcase hit the ground, one latch unclasped from the impact, the second remained secure.

Shingen let out a sigh of relief, and started to walk over to collect his fallen luggage when the leader of the trio grabbed his collar and lifted him slightly off the ground.

"That was quite a scream you let out just now. 'Adult' or not, you should know who's the superior one here, am I right guys?" the other two sneered in response, "Oy, mess up his shit. This bastard needs a lesson about who runs things around here."

Shingen squawked in indignation as he was manhandled while his luggage was taken by the other two thugs.

He cursed himself and his pride for challenging these delinquents when he was carrying such important cargo. He should have foreseen this result. He misjudged his odds, he was sure Celty would've been here by…

Shingen's eyes drifted over the leader's shoulder, catching a glimpse of a familiar, dark figure leaning on a motorbike, yellow helmet tilted as if was assessing the scene, contemplating if it should intercept or not.

"Celty-kun! How long have you been standing there? Or rather, help me! I got into this situation because I heard you coming! Take some responsibility!"

Celty pushed herself to a standing position, her helmet dipped forward, expressing her reluctance to lift a finger for_ his_ sake. She started to advance towards the group, but paused when the other two screamed in shock.

This kind of reaction she was used to, except she found it strange that they weren't paying any attention to her at all, but rather Shingen's open suitcase. They stumbled away from the case in a hurried fashion, and the rest of the group caught sight of what the commotion was about.

"W-What the…" the leader's fingers went numb in shock and he loosened his grip on Shingen's collar.

The first thing that caught everyone's attention was a pair of hands. They were pale and stark in contrast by the dark clothing material they were clutching. The hands were wrapped around a pair of legs that were folded against the torso they were attached to. _A head_. There was a head that rested over them, covered in dark locks of hair, messy and half covering the person's pale face.

A body. A _human body_ was in the suitcase. Everyone realized in unison. It also didn't go unnoticed that the body wasn't _breathing_ either.

'_This is bad…_' the doctor internally panicked, thinking quickly wondering how he could safely get out of this mess without revealing what that seemingly dead boy in his suitcase was. Well, there was one route he could go... he could have a little fun with this, and scare these punks off for good.

"You saw it didn't you?" he muttered.

The leader blinked out of his trance and took a startled step away from Shingen, suddenly realizing he was standing next to the owner of the suitcase (in all outward appearances) concealing a dead body.

"I can't leave you three alone now, you've seen him, you've seen him right?" his gas mask flashed ominously as he spoke in a slow drawl.

He internally cackled as his performance seemed to have a big effect on the three delinquents. Even Celty looked shaken.

"Y-Y-You crazy old man! You think this is enough to s-scare us, huh?" Though all three of them looked pretty terrified for confronting a possible psychopath, "W-We'll beat you up then hand you over to the police!"

'_Police? Seriously, this was getting out of hand._' Shingen hadn't felt this annoyed in a long time. He really wanted to avoid this, but if anyone else in the square reported a dead body to the police, he'd have a bigger problem explaining his way out of that one. There were already some people curiously looking their way, some reaching for their phones...

He needed to wake him up.

Keeping his calm façade, Shingen addressed the men again, "Eh? I can't have that now. Why don't I show you the 'power of adults' then? "

Shingen subtly slipped out a device from his pocket. He made a show to wiggle his fingers over the dead body as his other hand used the device to shock the body awake.

The boy jerked and sucked in a greedy gulp of air and began stirring.

The three thugs paled, one cried out in shock. It was a surprise that none of them fled yet.

"The hell? He's alive?"

"N-No Boss! He wasn't breathing! Boss, I'm serious! That guy didn't even have a pulse!"

"Ngh..where…?" Roppi blinked sleepily like he just woke up from a slumber, rather than a comatose state.

All he needed to do is trick Roppi into beating these guys up without realizing they were outside in Ikebukuro. Tricky, but not impossible…

Shingen leaned down to whisper only loud enough for him to hear, "Roppi-kun, this is a fighting simulation, defeat these guys and I'll let you come outside with me when we get to Japan. A test for the real world."

Roppi blinked and really took in his surroundings for the first time. "A fighting simulation…?"

"Yes, yes. Artificial simulation! Virtual reality! Now hurry up and defeat him!"

Roppi frowned, "…these graphics look too real. Is this seriously a simulation?"

"Yes! Now less talking, more fighting."

"Why aren't they attacking me then? It's a fighting simulation right?"

"_Roppi-kun_!" he hissed in a warning tone.

Roppi decided it wasn't worth pursuing that line of questioning while Shingen was rattled for whatever reason.

He stood up slowly, stretching his legs after having been cramped in an uncomfortable position for an extended period of time. The group of thugs got a better look at him now that his face was in proper view.

"Hey…ain't that Orihara Izaya?"

"Yeah boss, it's definitely him."

"I know, I remember him." he muttered and turned his glare towards the man he recognized as 'Orihara Izaya', "I don't get what's going on, but you and that old man piss me off! I'll kick both your asses!"

Roppi rolled both his shoulders back and casually stuffed his hands into his pockets, "Is that so? Come on then, trash."

The man's eyes twitched. _He's not even going to use his hands?_ "Don't look down on the Yellow Scarves, you bastard!"

Roppi wasn't sure what they were yelling about, but his instincts were pretty sure of what to do when three attackers simultaneously charged at him.

His foot shot up in a graceful yet deadly arc, and kicked the leader in the jaw. The impact caused him to stumble into his hefty friend; they both collided at landed in an awkward heap on the pavement.

The last one came lunging at him swinging his fist at his face. Roppi twisted his body out of the way. While the taller man was unbalanced from the punch he missed, Roppi slid his foot under him knocking his leg off the ground, sending him falling down like the other two.

Usually he liked getting simulation fights over with as soon as possible, but he was still sore from being cramped in Shingen's suitcase. Finally taking his hands out of his pockets, he stretched them out over his head and felt a few satisfying cracks in his joints.

He supposed he could play around a little more to loosen up.

The leader just finished spewing curses and shoved his heavy lackey off of him.

Roppi met him halfway, fist cocked and ready to deal some pain.

Celty stood off to the side, her emotions falling somewhere between baffled and dumbstruck.

'_What on earth…?_'

This was the last thing she was expecting when she was told to pick up Shinra's father who just returned home from America.

Why was Izaya with Shingen? Why is he fighting thugs off for him? (And since when did he fight like _that_?) More importantly, why was he in Shingen's _suitcase_?

Shingen stood not too far from the fight, occasionally cheering gleefully as his tormenters continued to get beaten down.

The three thugs quickly realized they were fighting a losing battle and took the first chance they saw to escape.

Shingen confidently shouted after their retreating backs, "Hahaha! See that? This is the power of adults!"

"Oy, stupid doctor, mind explaining what's really going on?" came an unimpressed voice at his side.

The older man flinched, he somehow forgot that Roppi being _awake_ would lead to him asking a lot of questions. He really should have thought this through more carefully.

"What do you mean Roppi-kun? You cleared the fighting simulation! Congratulations! Now, come over here, I'll wake you up."

Roppi didn't move, "I'm not falling for that. You must think I'm an idiot if you think I believe this is virtual reality. You wouldn't be here if that's the case."

"…I'm a programed fairy guide to guide you through the simulation."

The younger man did not look amused. "So if this is virtual reality, then it's okay if I beat you up too? You wouldn't feel it right?"

Shingen gulped, but before he could answer, a shadowed black hand clamped onto his shoulder and spun him around. A PDA obscured his vision reading:

[_Explain what is going on, NOW_]

It seemed that he forgot Celty was there too. _Marvelous_.

Shingen was a brilliant man. But sometimes, he wonders where that brilliance goes when he gets himself into situations like this.

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**[Author's Note] Spin off scene of what could've happened in Chapter 4 if Shingen LESS concerned of Roppi being discovered and MORE of an utterly hopeless show-off. I am not abandoning the original story, I'm only using this story to cure my annoying writer's block xP.**

**Next planned drabble: If Roppi and Tsuki both came to Ikebukuro**


	2. Discover The Other Side

**Disclaimer: Maybe if I keep saying 'I own Durarara' it will become true one day…  
Side Note: In this side story, Tsuki has a body unlike the current situation in the main story.**

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"Let's go outside"

Tsukishima's gaze snapped up from the book he was reading in surprise. "Roppi-san, please tell me that you're joking."

"I'm bored, there's nothing to do in here," Roppi shrugged, "you are too aren't you? That's the third time you read that book."

"But we're not allowed! Kishitani-sensei will be mad!" Tsuki looked visibly frantic at Roppi's dangerous trail of thought.

"It's that idiot's fault for leaving us alone here with nothing to do. Aren't you a little bit curious of what's outside?"

Tsukishima bit his lip. Yes, he was a little curious, but Shingen had promised them he'd take them outside when it was safe for them to do so. Tsuki was content to wait until then, but Roppi seemed to believe that it was his own way of saying that he'd never let them leave. Even so, the idea of leaving without Shingen's permission didn't sit right with him.

"I still think we shouldn't go. Why don't you wait for Kishitani-sensei to come back, we can ask him one more time?" he asked hopefully.

Roppi sighed in aggravation. Sometimes his blond companion's naivety was more of a problematic trait rather than an endearing one.

"Fine. You can say and ask him when he gets back, and you can catch up to me later."

He took a handful of Shingen's newly ordered scalpels from their box and pocketed them.

"Roppi-san! You can't go! What if someone sees you?"

Roppi casually hopped onto a table and unscrewed a ventilation grill positioned above. "That's why I'll be going through here."

"Please wait a minute! What if you get caught? What if you get hurt?"

"Shut up already. It'll be fine, I'm strong remember?"

Tsukishima silently watched his back. He knew Roppi was strong, 'Project Darwin' had made him that way with maximum power in mind. He tried not to think of all those times he's helplessly seen Roppi go through the most impossible simulations, yet still come out alive. Barely.

But he was still scared for him. Or was he scared of being left alone? He knew how much Roppi hated the laboratory, if he left would he ever come back?

When he pulled himself out of his thoughts he realized that Roppi had already disappeared through the narrow shaft. Tsukishima scrambled up onto the table and stuck his head through the open vent and called out in a hushed whisper, "_Roppi-san? Roppi-san! Please come back!"_

No reply came, so he tried again, a little louder, "Roppi-san! If you can hear me, say something!"

A distant echoed voice replied, "I can hear you, I'm just ignoring you. But if you don't keep it down, we'll get discovered."

Tsuki bit his lip, he really didn't want him to go, so he needed to stop him. Every time he tired something particularly rebellious, he'd use a tactic that always proved to be effective no matter how stubborn Roppi was. He didn't use it because he wanted to be manipulative, it's because it was the honest truth. And when Tsuki was honest with Roppi, he'd always come around.

"Roppi-san," he called out once more, "Please, don't leave me alone here. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here with me. I'm scared of being alone. So please….please don't go."

Silence followed his heartfelt declaration. Tsuki began to wonder if Roppi crawled too far to hear him, then he heard his friend's voice again.

"…ow"

"Roppi-san!? Are you alright? What happened?"

"Yeah, I'm…ow…arghh, I'm stuck."

"You're…stuck?"

"Yes…I can't get out" he reluctantly replied.

"Don't move! I'll come help you, hang on." Tsukishima pulled himself up into the vent with much difficulty and began crawling to the direction he heard Roppi's voice. He crawled around for a little while before reaching a split at the end of the crawlspace.

"Roppi-san? Where are you?" he called out not trusting his own sense of direction.

"This way" came his voice from the right.

Tsuki crawled as quickly as he could in the dark vent towards Roppi until he felt something soft brush against his fingers. Tsuki yelped and banged his head on the metal above his head. A slender hand grabbed the scarf around his neck, while another pressed against his mouth.

"Shh! Someone will hear you."

Tsuki blinked as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and were able to make out Roppi's figure under him, very much safe and not trapped in any way.

"R-Roppi-san? Y-You're…I thought you were stuck!"

"Oh, that? I lied."

Tsukishima spluttered, "Why would you lie about that? I was worried!"

He felt Roppi shrug, "If I didn't, then you wouldn't have come."

Tsuki felt his cheeks go warm, "…Lying is bad Roppi-san."

"Abandoning your friends is worse." Roppi countered simply.

"Roppi-san…" Tsuki frowned. That would apply to him too wouldn't it? If he let Roppi go off alone, that's the same as abandoning him.

"…I'll come with you then." he mumbled back, his hand finding Roppi's still grasping his scarf, squeezing it comfortingly.

He felt Roppi stiffen, both of them realizing what compromising position they were in, Roppi quickly turned himself around and resumed crawling towards the other end of the crawlspace.

"Good…I'm glad I mean. It'd be a disaster if I went alone. I don't know what I would do if I ran into a human outside."

Tsuki laughed. He understood that he was the more social one between the two of them. Roppi had developed a hate for humans that Tsuki never did. So what was he planning on doing outdoors with his level of discomfort of others?

"Well, as long as you don't suddenly attack anyone, you'll be fine."

Roppi snorted, "I'll try not to."

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The two of them found their way outside before long. Since a certain blond kept getting lost it took a little longer than it should've. On the bright side, Tsukishima had stopped to stare through one vent that turned out to lead outdoors. Roppi was quick to smash through it (to Tsuki's horror) and they both slipped out of the building.

Unfortunately, they were both caught sneaking near the gates by a security guard shortly after and thrown off the premises after being identified as intruders. Actually, that was rather fortunate in their case, since they were more interested in getting out, rather than in.

"Stop whimpering. We got out in one piece didn't we?"

Tsukishima pouted, "But we got scolded…"

Roppi sighed, '_He gets upset about the most useless things._'

"Aren't you supposed to be the positive one? We're outside, Tsuki. _Outside_."

Tsukishima looked around, now that they've been walking for a while, they've reached a quiet street. There were a few shops opening up for the day, one confectionary was already baking treats and the sweet smell wafted out of the store. At the other side of the road, there was what looked like a large park.

Tsuki's eyes lit up.

"Roppi-san…can we go there?" he asked timidly, pointing to the park across the street.

Roppi glanced over to where Tsuki indicated. "Hmm, sure. It'd be nice to look at nature rather than man-made things for once."

The two of them made their way to the park and walked down the cobblestone path. It looked bigger when they saw it from across the street, but Tsuki enjoyed it nonetheless. He excitedly pointed out different plants and animals excitedly. Roppi was just as amazed at seeing these things for the first time as well, but he wasn't nearly as vocal about it as his partner.

"Roppi-san, Roppi-san! Look, there's a cat! A cat!"

Roppi covered his mouth, trying to supress the laughter bubbling in his chest. Tsuki sounded like just like a child. He was glad that he was having fun, he was worried that Tsuki wouldn't since he all but forced him to come along. There were plenty of things that interested Tsuki outside here, heck a falling cherry blossom pedal excited him.

Roppi stared off at the street where more people were walking, hoping to catch sight of something a little more extraordinary, '_Now if I could find the things that interest me…_'

"Roppi-san? What's wrong?" Tsuki asked finally turning away from the cat that he charmed to allow him to pet it.

"Just wondering if we would be able to see those Ikebukuro Legends."

Tsuki bit his lip, "You mean Heiwajima Shizuo right? I don't think you should go looking for him…"

"Why?" Roppi asked incredulously, Tsukishima knew how much he wanted to meet him.

"Your donor Orihara Izaya is his sworn enemy right? Kishitani-sensei even said we look like our donors. What if he mistakes you for him and hurts you?"

Roppi kicked a leaf, "Even so, I want to meet him. I can take care of myself remember? Even if he gets angry, that just means we get to see his super strength. You'd want to see it too right? You're a fan too, aren't you? Isn't that why you dyed your hair blonde? To look like him?"

Tsuki bristled, "It's not like that! I…thought it would look cool."

He didn't mention that he hoped Roppi would pay more attention to him if he looked more like his idol. When Roppi talked about Heiwajima Shizuo his eyes lit up, he told Tsuki everything his chat friends told him about the Ikebukuro legend. He told him he wanted to meet that amazingly strong blond beast in a bartender suit one day. So he decided to grant that wish to him. Since Shingen had created his body from Heiwajima Shizuo's stem cells, he was sure he resembled him quite a bit, the doctor even vouched for that. Which is why he wanted to look as close as possible to the real one, to make Roppi happy and maybe garner more of his interest. He ended up asking Shingen for some hair dye, and the man brought it to him chucking after hearing his reasoning.

But when Roppi saw his hair, all he did was stifle an amused laugh.

Tsuki sighed, he knew he was hopeless. Especially when it came to Roppi.

A gentle stroke against his blond locks pulled him out of his musings.

Tsuki blinked in confusion, his cheeks fired up as they usually did when Roppi showed him gentle affection.

"W-W-What is it?"

Roppi smiled softly in response, "I like this colour on you. It suits you."

Right then and there, Tsuki vowed to dye his hair until the day he died.

Now in even brighter spirits, the two of them continued to walk in the park at a leisurely pace, enjoying the outdoors as much as they could.

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**[Author's Note:] Alright, I need to do a part 2 to this one. I freaking love Tsuki, I want to write more of him! It's probably because I don't get a chance to write him the other story yet (cough*technically*cough). Speaking of which, new chapter for Being Human should be posted for Valentine's Day! Hopefully ^^;;**

**Until Next Time,**

**SNU**


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